That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
