ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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