the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
