She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
