I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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