Ketchup is God's man juice
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
