You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
