Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
