Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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