When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
