I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
