Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
