just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
