He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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