We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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