just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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