True but thats because hes a fetus.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
