Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
