just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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