my being single is dangerous.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
