Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
