I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
