If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
