Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
