Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She is in my trunk
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
