Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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