2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
