I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
