just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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