New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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