This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
