i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
