I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
