turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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