Please, let me fuck your mom
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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