I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
