I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
