Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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