just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
