there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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