I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
