When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
