when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
