I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
