you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
