you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
