Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
You just made me feel so damn special
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
