This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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