Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
