I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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