i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
