bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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