the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
