so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
