I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
